Chapter 13

Piper checks Lu’s calendar on Wednesday morning, as they’ve been doing daily since her disappearance, to see if there’s anything they need to take over for her now she’s gone. Her comp class has been officially reassigned, but there’s a meeting of the undergrad English Majors’ Organization that she was supposed to attend on Wednesday. Piper decides to go in her place, half out of conscientiousness and half because it’s a reasonably legitimate excuse to not be working on their dissertation.

It’s a tired joke by now that the organization’s abbreviation is EMO (they only read Bleak House and Shakespearean tragedies), but the dozen or so undergrads gathered in the English department library do look like The Cure is playing on a loop in their heads. Piper isn’t surprised. The halls have been strange and silent since Jack was killed, and most people take the long way around to avoid the staircase that only recently shed its crime scene tape.

Piper spots EMO’s current president, Rachel Glass, whom they last saw shocked and pale, staring at Jack’s body. For a second the image swims in front of Piper’s vision—blood, sprays of it, a dizzy sensation—and then they shut their eyes and take a deep breath, as their therapist told them to do during their emergency session the day before, and count to ten.

When they open their eyes again, Rachel is hurrying over.

“Piper,” she says. “Hi. Um—is—are you—”

“I’m here for Lu,” Piper says. They hesitate. “Have you, uh—been in touch with her recently?”

“I haven’t heard from her in awhile,” Rachel says. She still looks too pale, her curly hair disheveled and dark enough that it makes her complexion seem even more washed out. “What, uh—is she—where is she?”

Piper’s stomach sinks. They’d hoped they wouldn’t have to explain. They gesture toward a couple of seats at the end of the pushed-together tables and Rachel nods distractedly. They sit. “Well,” Piper says. “Lu has—left. The department.”

Rachel’s expression doesn’t change, but there’s a flicker in her eyes and she takes a moment to reply. “Oh. God. Dr. Ortiz said—she told me Lu was taking a leave of absence, but then people were saying…” Rachel swallows. “Sorry. It’s just. Lu was…helping with EMO stuff.”

Piper nods. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“And, uh—no, it’s not your fault—I just—do you—she said she’d take a look at my honors thesis, too, and I haven’t heard back from her? Is she—I mean, I don’t want to bother her, but—”

Piper looks down. They’ve been picking at a loose bit of enamel on the edge of the table without realizing it. They stop abruptly. “Oh. Well…” There’s something difficult about saying this, again and again. A warm sort of soup of embarrassment sloshes around in their stomach every time they have to admit it, as if it’s their fault, their failure. Even though they know that something is wrong about the way Lu left. “She’s not in touch with anyone right now. Um…we don’t actually know where she’s gone.”

Rachel’s eyes grow wide. “What?”

Piper shifts uncomfortably. “Look,” they say, “we’re, um…I’m poking around, just to make sure everything’s okay. But, in the meantime, I’m happy to pick up where Lu left off with you.”

Rachel’s hand knocks against her phone and it nearly falls off the table. “What do you mean?”

Confused, Piper says, “I mean, I could look at your thesis, if you want. And help with whatever EMO stuff she was doing.”

“Oh, right! Yeah. Thank you, that would be great. Um…”

“Hey Rachel, we should get started, yeah?” One of the undergrads waves at her from across the table. “I have to leave in half an hour, so…”

Rachel nods. “Yeah. Right.” She takes a breath and clears her throat. “Hey, everyone. Uh, first of all, sorry for the late notice about the time change for the meeting—I meant to let you know earlier. So if you can catch up anyone who couldn’t make it, please do. All right. I’ll get to the agenda in a second, but I thought I should say…” She glances around the room. Piper does too. The students are clustered in groups of two or three; they look tired and worried. Rachel sighs. “I know it’s weird right now. Not to sound like a broken record, or administration robot or something, but do go see counseling services if you need to. I know it takes awhile to get an appointment, but…And like—we’re here, you know? EMO is.” She pushes her hair back from her face. “Okay. So, first thing is spring deadlines. Juniors, don’t forget that you need to find an honors thesis advisor in time to submit your paperwork at the end of April. Talk to those of us who are seniors if you want advice on who to ask or how to ask them.  As we all know, some of our professors are not great with email, so office hours are your best bet.” She consults her phone, where Piper can see she has some bullet points typed out in a note. “Um, Lu Fairchild, who’s a grad student here if you don’t know, was supposed to talk a little bit about how we could help with the upcoming grad open house, but…well, Piper, uh—”

“Awasthi,” Piper supplies.

“Piper Awasthi is here instead.”

Piper attempts a friendly smile and tries to pretend they know what Lu was going to say. “So, I think…hi everyone. I think usually we have a few undergrad English majors volunteer to help set up food, take prospective students where they need to go…”

They look to Rachel. She nods. “I’ll be there to help with that, and I’m talking a little to the new admits about what undergraduate students are like at Schenley.”

“Great. So, let me know, or let Rachel know, if you’re around to help on March 19 and 20. I’ll leave my email with her.”

Piper hesitates, wondering if there’s more. There’s a brief silence and then Rachel says, “Sounds good. Thanks. Okay, next item is about course offerings for next fall. Some of you have mentioned having trouble fitting the major requirements into your schedule, so, um, a couple of us have been talking to the staff about scheduling times—”

“And about offering more varied courses,” another student adds. “So we’re not all stuck just taking Shakespeare classes for the millionth time.”

Piper’s mind wanders as they wonder whether Lu would have stuck around for the whole meeting. God, everything is fucked up. It’s such a shitty time for everything to be fucked up. Open house is hard enough without all the rest of it. Their eyes stray to the corner of the room, where a big drafty window overlooks a bricked-in courtyard. Lu would sit on the window ledge sometimes, when it was just her and Piper in the room, or them and Katie and Antonio and Phoebe, and she was struggling with whatever she was writing. She’d kick her feet against the wall until Antonio would tell her to stop giving him a headache. Sometimes she’d stand on the window ledge, looking out at the grey sky. Piper can remember, vividly, one stormy late afternoon when it had been just the two of them, and Lu had pulled them up on the ledge with her, and they’d stared out at the lighting and listened to the thunder rattle the glass. Piper’s heart had been in their mouth as they watched Lu watch the rain. Lu looked so far away—something sharp and wanting in her eyes as she looked out at the weather. Piper had almost felt afraid to touch her.

When the meeting ends, Piper turns to go, but Rachel stops them. “Can you let me know if you hear from Lu?” she asks, biting her lip.

Piper nods. “Yes. Are you—are you okay? After…”

Rachel hesitates. “Yeah. I mean, you know. Seeing…being there when…”

“Yeah. I do know. Um, if you need anything…”

Rachel blinks hard, and for a moment Piper wonders if she’s holding back tears. “Thanks.”